haih. still not feeling good. i spent my time shopping, cleaning and with my old friend. still can't stop thinking. and of course i was thinking of you. hmm.
bila difikirkan balik. aku mula ada depression lepas 3 4 bulan in the relationship. bukan nak kata itu punca aku tertekan. mungkin aku tak boleh handle beban hubungan ni sebab ini first time aku dalam hubungan betul betul serious. takut aku tak dpt nak happykan org, dan bila aku try. aku pulak tak rasa happy or puass. rasa mcm seksa sgt jiwa ni.
aku mula buat benda yang aku sendiri jarang/tak pernah buat. aku jadi obses dgn semua benda. suka lari dari tempat tinggal aku. nak duduk sejauh jauhnya dari tempat tu. sebab kalau aku tertekan. duduk dlm
tempat yang sempit akan bt aku fikir yang bukan bukan pasal diri aku. yang paling obvious, aku suka lukakan diri aku. tpi bukan potong tgn dgn pisau bagai. i'm not that crazy. aku suka kopek bibir, ibu jari tgn aku smpai berdarah.. bila kering kopek lagi. tak penah bosan.
i'm not a germ freak. tapi rasa mcm nak kearah tu dah. but i hope not. dlm bag aku ada everything. and 2 hand sanitizer. takut yang tgh guna tiba tiba habis. i can't live without it. everything in my life ada spare. i even carry first aid kit everywhere i go. takut anything will happen. and i can't help it if i dont have the first aid kit with me. this is so hard. the only way to survive this i write and travel, but no one understand me. i i do that because i want to keep myself calm for a while.
i'll always think about death and how it will affect my whole life after, what happen if i lose all the people i love. i can't stop. sampai dah obses dgn semua tu. buat aku lagi tertekan.
i just want someone who can be with me. do anything and be happy for me. i'm not okay. i know i'm sick. sapa yang kenal aku memang tau aku byk sgt penyakit. but he will be there to tell me everything is gonna be alright. aku suka aku yg dulu. kuat, independent and boleh survive hidup. now,im so vulnerable.
i know you will be reading this. i just want you to know its fuckin hard to just let go after what we've been through. its been a tough tough 2 months. i thought we can handle everything. but about sacrifice and balance. this is where i draw the line. i wanna be happy at the same time i want you to be happy with me. from what i see and things that happen around us, i can see that we're not happy anymore. too much things happen around us. and you can't sacrifice anything for me. i been through alot for you. and you? u just said 'i can't' thats your answer. i never accept that answer anymore. its hard for me. don't imagine me happy and enjoy this breakup. i'm not.
its been 8 hours of non stop crying.
I know you're not happy with me anymore, like we used to. busy with our own life, work and other stuff. we already tried to make this relationship worked. but maybe you weren't meant to be with me like we always imagine. we already tried.
I Love You. Bye.
benda dah rosak. kita tampal la dgn gam paling kuat pun. lama2 akan terbuka balik. atleast aku usaha. aku takkan tinggalkan benda yang aku nak mcm tu ja. janji tetap janji. cuba sampai mati k. bye
